Dear Horatio
by Caz Malfoy
Summary: Tim writes a letter to Horatio, trying to explain how he feels for him. SLASH.


_Disclaimer: I don't own CSI:Miami. Bev owns Sylum Clan, we're just playing in her world._

Authors note: If you like this, Horatio's response can be found on the sylum challenge livejournal, written by toby white wolf. There's a link on my lj if you don't know the community.

Beta: White/Speed

Dear Horatio...

H,

You're asleep next to me as I write this. I love just sitting by you and watching as you sleep. So calm and tranquil. But I know that even whilst you sleep the cop inside you is poised and ready to wake you up if needed. Even if it _is _three in the morning.

I've been without you for so long that my heart and my head are still trying to come to terms with everything that's happened in the past year. Even after twelve months of you knowing my nature and who you are to me, the thought that you want to spend forever with me is overwhelming.

Every time I see you standing over a microscope or at your window – hands on your hips with your head cocked to one side, of course – the urge to wrap my arms around you and show the world who you belong to, is so very strong.

I say you belong to me, because you do. You are mine; my friend; my confidant; my lover and my Mate. Just as everything I am belongs to you. You have the keys to my heart, body and soul, Horatio Caine. Only you have the right to unlock me.

There are times, late at night or after a long shift, when I can tell you are ready to do nothing more than sleep. I also know that you sometimes go quite a while without feeding and I can't help but worry – I know that getting nagged about not eating by me is a little like the pot calling the kettle black, but I'm your Mate. I'm allowed to worry. Get used to it! Isn't that what you always say to me?

I worry about you all the time. Whenever we're apart you're always on my mind and in my thoughts.

When you're working a case that hits particularly close to home I know that you spend the entire night either at the lab or in the office back home, searching desperately for a break; the one lead that could crack the case wide open.

I've lost track of the number of times you have arrived home looking worse than dead. I can see it in your eyes. The emptiness that you feel after an unsolved case; it's so evident in those blue eyes. I know that we're not guaranteed to solve every case that we work on and you blame yourself for not managing to find the criminal and help the families. When that does happen, I'm honored that you let me take you by the hand and lead you into bed.

Many people only see the Horatio Caine they want to see. A dedicated CSI, whose soul purpose is to right the wrongs in Miami.

Don't get me wrong, I see those exact same things in you. But I also see so much more. I see the man you are deep down. The man that no one is privileged enough to witness. No one except myself.

The way your carefully constructed walls come falling down around us as I hold you close to my chest. The way you trust that I will always be there to catch you when you finally let go and allow yourself to fall. Trust that I assure you, will never be misplaced.

You know how hard it can get for me to keep who I really am, tightly locked up inside of me. The quiet-bookish persona is only half of me, you know that. But with you I know that I can be myself completely.

I know that I can bitch and scream as loud as I want or need to. Or even kick something in frustration if I need to. (I wouldn't dream of touching Dracula – I'm not suicidal). And every single time I know that you can tell if I need to be left alone to rant, be held and comforted, or my personal favorite…tied to the bed and fucked into next week.

It's been a long time since I've felt the kind of security with anyone that lets me be who I really am. You once asked me if I love you for who you are now or who you were in the past. And my answer has not changed.

Lord Sean was the person I knew I wanted to spend my life with (this was before I knew about Vampires, don't forget). Then he was taken from me and I was turned.

For a long time I thought that I was never going to get over the pain of losing him. I felt like my insides were cold and numb, while they were also being pulled apart, fragment by fragment.

Nick explained to me about souls with unfinished business returning to rejoin those they left. And, while he made no promises about how long it would be, it at least gave me hope.

For the first hundred years after my turning I looked for him everywhere we visited. It was draining and did nothing to help me embrace my new life. I eventually stopped actively looking for him, trusting that when the time was right we would be reunited once more.

I concentrated on adapting to the idea of being immortal. While I had been a vampire for a long time, I never really knew what I could truly do with my new life. I began studying various texts and the use of weapons. From then on my curiosity was peaked. Every time a new theory was introduced I needed to know everything I could about it. That's how my library got started – hard to believe that it only consisted of ten books at one time, isn't it?

The battle at Fredericksburg was one of the hardest battles I've ever been in. Not only was it more violent and bloody than I care to remember, but I lost you again. As with Sean, the pain I felt was unbearable; I can't even begin to describe what it was like.

The pain almost destroyed me. The knowledge that you had been on the other side of my medical tent the entire time and I had no idea. It tore me apart inside knowing that I had failed him as he lay dying.

It took a long time to recover from that. Feeling the pain at losing him made me respect Tony more and understand why he was so skittish about getting close to Gibbs. (Don't tell him I said that. He doesn't need his ego inflating more.)

After Fredericksburg I came to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't destined to find My Lord after all. We had been apart for so long that I became disillusioned. I could feel the hope I had kept alive inside of me diminishing at the thought of never again feeling the happiness I had felt so many years ago.

Megan was introduced to the Clan through Sean. It was through her that I became aware of an available position as a CSI. I'd never stayed in Miami before, well not long enough to actually get to know that locals, so I agreed.

My first day on the job was an eventful one, to say the least. Megan showed me around the lab and introduced me to the team, basically she treated me like any other newbie. It was nearing the end of my shift when I got the biggest shock I had experienced in a long time.

I was standing at the microscope comparing two pieces of plastic from the scene when I felt a strange sensation, like I was being watched. I had been so absorbed in what I was doing that I hadn't noticed someone else in the lab with me.

I looked up and my eyes fell on you immediately. You were standing by the GCMS, looking at the results with your back to me.

You turned around to face me and the moment I looked into your beautiful blue eyes I knew.

Lord Sean had returned to me once more. And this time I was going to do everything in my power to make sure I didn't lose you again.

To describe everything I see when I look into your eyes would be impossible. While our time in Ireland was so long ago, you and Sean are still the same person. The parts of you soul that made up Sean are still very evident in you today. Your mannerisms and expressions mirror him exactly.

Our souls take what we learnt in the past and store the information, ready to access the details should they be needed. It's the only way I can think of to rationalise what can't be expressed in words this way. You, Horatio Caine, don't know how to speak in the old Celtic language. But your soul does, I can hear the accent seeping through your voice at night as we lie together surrounded by the Bond.

The Bond links our souls and hearts to the past. When I sink my fangs into you and taste your blood in my mouth I feel our souls merge even further. The past blends with the present and there isn't anything else in the whole of existence but us. I hope you can feel that as well.

I love _you, _Horatio Caine. For who you are now; who you were and who you will become as we spend our lives together. Knowing that we were together in the past, even for the briefest of moments strengthens my soul, and it shows me that, despite everything we've both been through, we were always meant to be together like this.

You're stirring beside me and I have a feeling you'll wake up in a few moments, wanting to know why I'm up so late. So I'm going to draw this letter to a close.

I apologize if what you've just read isn't coherent but it's what I feel and sometimes it's a little hard expressing myself verbally, let alone on paper.

Never doubt my feelings for you mo shearc..

Forever yours

_Tim Quinn_


End file.
